Maybe, Baby

I didn’t even think about being a mom until I met my boyfriend Q. From the moment we met, sparks flew. But he was younger than me, and didn’t have his life together. To me, he was a fling. At first. Our feelings developed. Things changed. Soon he was telling me that he could see having children with me. We found out after 6 months of dating that I could be pregnant. October 2010 I found out I was 3 months into my pregnancy and that there was no question about the fatherhood… it was him. 

He was overjoyed. Elated. Couldn’t wait to be a father, something he’s always dreamed about. I… never wanted to be a mother. Never even thought about it until he walked into my life. Birth control? all for it. Condoms? loved them. But when we became intimate, it was like my brain turned off and all of the things I had always used to “protect” myself weren’t options anymore. Did he get me pregnant on purpose? No. But I wouldn’t say it was an accident, either. 

I’m 20. I turned 20 days before I found out I was definitely with child. He won’t even be 20 until I have the child, if he isn’t late. I was a sophomore in college, but I just withdrew so I could work more. I plan on returning to school in August, but I know so much could happen between now and then.

I feel like I want to escape. I feel more trapped than this child must feel growing inside of me. He has so little room to stretch, so little room to move. I feel so much the same. 

I’m excited to be a mom, but I never wanted to be. It wasn’t what I would have chosen. I liked my life without the heartburn, the anxiety, the depression, the escapism. I want to meet my son and fall in love, if I can. I don’t want to meet him and feel alone, or worse: not want him.

I need guidance, but I don’t trust myself to say what I mean and not what I think I mean or what I feel. 

32 weeks, 5 days.

Just another month or so… praying for guidance. maybe even forgiveness.